What I want doesn't exist. I'm chasing a mirage and I know it, I just can't work out how to stop myself. I've come to the conclusion that I'm an absolute master at kidding myself, finding every which way to rationalise things out, explain and excuse bad behaviour on the part of others, when the reality is they just don't care enough to be any different. I allow myself to be hurt in the same way over and over again, long past the point when anyone with any sense would have walked away.

I KNOW this. I tell myself this constantly. I just need to learn to believe it. Maybe i've got an overactive hope chip. An adversion to facing reality. Some deep rooted belief that eventually the world will work out the way I want it to be I just have to be stubborn and refuse to face facts. I should know better.

Now

Wondering how many times you can reach the bottom before you lose the ability to resurface. Wondering if every decision lead me to now then how many decisions were wrong. Were any of them ever right? Am I a product of my own action or inaction? If everything you want is something you can't have then what is left and is any of it really real?

Last Week

I lay awake watching you sleep, trying hard not to trace the outline of your face so as not to disturb you. You look so beautiful and contented and I can hardly breathe because all I’m thinking is “don’t fuck it up, don’t fuck it up, don’t fuck it up…” so perfect that I need to pinch myself, or you, to prove that you’re actually real. Terrified that I’ll do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing and it’ll all disintegrate into dust.

I can feel a barrier between us like you’re already distancing yourself from me. Protection against what you already feel and falling for me further or the beginnings of loss of interest? It’s impossible to tell. I have too many of my own demons to battle, conflicted in my desire to throw myself head-first yet fearful that it’s all a mirage and that I don’t have the resources to pick myself up again so need to hold back from falling too far. Too late. I’m already in too deep.