Faithless

Feeling insecure.

Keep telling myself that I don’t care. That it’s not love. It’s not going to be love. It’s a short-term thing, it’s fun, it isn’t about emotion.

If I remind myself often enough, maybe I’ll believe it. I’ll be able to control my heart and not fall for you. So i’ll not mind if you decide to walk away, if you just stop calling or answering texts. So it won’t hurt if I see pictures, or hear tales that suggest there is somebody else.

I have no reason not to trust you, nor any evidence that I should. I find myself building up barriers against you - protection for whenever it is that you do let me down. We’ve made each other no promises, haven’t defined what or where we are. You confound me with your consistency, whilst remaining resolutely detached.

I think about rejecting you first. If it’s not going to be enough, I should probably end it now. I’m torn between the knowledge that I’m not emotionally resilient enough to let you or anyone in, yet don’t want to be completely alone. I feel as though we’re treading water, poker face on, neither willing nor able to show our cards.