Mind Control

It starts with little things.

Rolled eyes when the phone rings. Snide remarks initially veiled with humour, latterly throw about with ease.

"Who is it now?"

"What do they want?"

"Why are they calling?"

"What do you see in them anyway?"

"They're not really your friends"

So you stop calling. Are a little awkward and offhand when you answer the phone. Make excuses. Don't reply to messages. Roll your eyes in return at the sound of the phone.

"See, they never call you. Never invite you out. They don't really care about you. Not like me"

"What are you wearing?"

"Why do you like that?"

"What are you doing?"

"Don't behave like that. It's not what people like us do"

Slowly you inch towards becoming a person you'd barely recognise. You forget that once you had your own opinions. That you could state your own mind with certainty. That once you knew which books you liked, what music you chose to listen to. That you had friends you could call when you were feeling low.

Eventually it comes to a head. You fight back. Reassert your own personality. Readdress the balance of control. Give the other person a choice, take me as I am or go. Accept me for who I am, for WHAT I am.

"Of course I love you for who you are. You're the person I fell in love with. I'm not the monster you make me out to be"

"I don't try to control you"

"You're the controlling one. Look at everything you've done"

"Let's start again. Go back to how things used to be. We're special. Remember?"

You breathe a sigh of relief. It wasn't really so bad. You misinterpreted things. You're too touchy. Over-analytical. Too easy to bruise. You need to relax. Accept things for what they are on the surface rather than assigning a more sinister deeper meaning to insignificant acts.

You open up. Begin to trust.

"Oh sweetie, can you just do me a little favour"

Smiling eyes, pleading face

"can you just change...."

Becca wants

Spring. Outside. To be free. Sunshine. Fun. More time. More space in my head – or at least some kind of plug to stop things falling out. To be able to think clearly. To get wasted. To smile. To laugh. To fall in love again. To shout. To scream. To have someone listen. To talk. To share. A tidy house. Someone to cook for me. To know why everything good is bad for you. My friends to be closer. To run. To jump. To play. To be 24. To be 16. To be 12. To take acid for the first time. To know if fixing the past fixes the future or if fixing the future fixes the past. To understand physics. To hate photosynthesis a little bit less. To know why all the female lecturers I meet have massive chips on their shoulders. Lemonade sherbet. Old friends. New friends. To think less. To think more. To understand. To know. To reason. To fight. To dance. To be able to escape from me for a day, a week, a year. To be needed less. To be needed more. Excitement. Emotion. To be somewhere else.

Indecision

I'm trying to reach a decision. Actually, I think I've probably already reached the decision, I'm just not really sure how to implement it. I know what I should do. I know what I want do. I'm also fully aware of what everyone else would tell me to do if I were to bother discussing it with them (only I won't because I already know exactly what they would say given the opportunity to add some input into the situation). Only I'm not really sure that should, could, would and want all lead in the same direction.