Punishment

I'm pushing people away and I'm fully aware that pretty soon there'll be no-one left. Setting my friends up with tests to prove they care, so that when they fail I can justify my decision to cut them out of my life. A new twist on self-flagellation we could say. I need to feel like I matter, so instead I turn myself more and more invisible. Hoping, wishing that eventually someone will notice and take me in hand and prove to my fragile ego that I'm not as disposable as I feel. Being self aware doesn't mean I can stop it. The hurt feelings remain, simmering evidence of the methods effectiveness.

Zombie

Don't worry about Zombie Walks or having fun.

Don't worry that you're letting down a whole heap of people that have already spent money on make up and tickets and are dependent upon you for the event to go ahead. They're inconsequential, they don't matter, they're not your friends.

Don't worry about letting me down. Don't worry that you've let me down countless times before. I'm just a bit of fun. I don't matter enough to be an issue.

Don't worry that being ignored upsets me, again I'm not important enough for you to be concerned about my feelings. And I'll be the one to try and cheer you up, make you feel better, fix your world because YOU are what counts. Your happiness, your mood, your wants and needs.

I'll alter my behaviour because what I want or need is irrelevant. I won't post things on facebook because it might upset your ex and make you feel uncomfortable. I won't ask anything of you because it puts unfair demands on you. Won't make plans because that's a commitment that you're not willing to make. Stupid me for thinking that because YOU suggested this it might turn out differently.

Faithless

Feeling insecure.

Keep telling myself that I don’t care. That it’s not love. It’s not going to be love. It’s a short-term thing, it’s fun, it isn’t about emotion.

If I remind myself often enough, maybe I’ll believe it. I’ll be able to control my heart and not fall for you. So i’ll not mind if you decide to walk away, if you just stop calling or answering texts. So it won’t hurt if I see pictures, or hear tales that suggest there is somebody else.

I have no reason not to trust you, nor any evidence that I should. I find myself building up barriers against you - protection for whenever it is that you do let me down. We’ve made each other no promises, haven’t defined what or where we are. You confound me with your consistency, whilst remaining resolutely detached.

I think about rejecting you first. If it’s not going to be enough, I should probably end it now. I’m torn between the knowledge that I’m not emotionally resilient enough to let you or anyone in, yet don’t want to be completely alone. I feel as though we’re treading water, poker face on, neither willing nor able to show our cards.

What I want doesn't exist. I'm chasing a mirage and I know it, I just can't work out how to stop myself. I've come to the conclusion that I'm an absolute master at kidding myself, finding every which way to rationalise things out, explain and excuse bad behaviour on the part of others, when the reality is they just don't care enough to be any different. I allow myself to be hurt in the same way over and over again, long past the point when anyone with any sense would have walked away.

I KNOW this. I tell myself this constantly. I just need to learn to believe it. Maybe i've got an overactive hope chip. An adversion to facing reality. Some deep rooted belief that eventually the world will work out the way I want it to be I just have to be stubborn and refuse to face facts. I should know better.

Now

Wondering how many times you can reach the bottom before you lose the ability to resurface. Wondering if every decision lead me to now then how many decisions were wrong. Were any of them ever right? Am I a product of my own action or inaction? If everything you want is something you can't have then what is left and is any of it really real?

Last Week

I lay awake watching you sleep, trying hard not to trace the outline of your face so as not to disturb you. You look so beautiful and contented and I can hardly breathe because all I’m thinking is “don’t fuck it up, don’t fuck it up, don’t fuck it up…” so perfect that I need to pinch myself, or you, to prove that you’re actually real. Terrified that I’ll do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing and it’ll all disintegrate into dust.

I can feel a barrier between us like you’re already distancing yourself from me. Protection against what you already feel and falling for me further or the beginnings of loss of interest? It’s impossible to tell. I have too many of my own demons to battle, conflicted in my desire to throw myself head-first yet fearful that it’s all a mirage and that I don’t have the resources to pick myself up again so need to hold back from falling too far. Too late. I’m already in too deep.

Mind Control

It starts with little things.

Rolled eyes when the phone rings. Snide remarks initially veiled with humour, latterly throw about with ease.

"Who is it now?"

"What do they want?"

"Why are they calling?"

"What do you see in them anyway?"

"They're not really your friends"

So you stop calling. Are a little awkward and offhand when you answer the phone. Make excuses. Don't reply to messages. Roll your eyes in return at the sound of the phone.

"See, they never call you. Never invite you out. They don't really care about you. Not like me"

"What are you wearing?"

"Why do you like that?"

"What are you doing?"

"Don't behave like that. It's not what people like us do"

Slowly you inch towards becoming a person you'd barely recognise. You forget that once you had your own opinions. That you could state your own mind with certainty. That once you knew which books you liked, what music you chose to listen to. That you had friends you could call when you were feeling low.

Eventually it comes to a head. You fight back. Reassert your own personality. Readdress the balance of control. Give the other person a choice, take me as I am or go. Accept me for who I am, for WHAT I am.

"Of course I love you for who you are. You're the person I fell in love with. I'm not the monster you make me out to be"

"I don't try to control you"

"You're the controlling one. Look at everything you've done"

"Let's start again. Go back to how things used to be. We're special. Remember?"

You breathe a sigh of relief. It wasn't really so bad. You misinterpreted things. You're too touchy. Over-analytical. Too easy to bruise. You need to relax. Accept things for what they are on the surface rather than assigning a more sinister deeper meaning to insignificant acts.

You open up. Begin to trust.

"Oh sweetie, can you just do me a little favour"

Smiling eyes, pleading face

"can you just change...."